Move Along

Here is a long overdue update on Debbie’s journey. Time is flying by, and I feel like I am never caught up. There is always too much to do and I have too little energy to do it all.

It has three months of challenges for Debbie as she continues her long goodbye. Since the last post she made two trips to the hospital, one by ambulance the other I drove her. Both were overnight stays, but she was able to return to Edgewater both times.


Debbie continues to lose ground cognitively, but she is unaware of the total extent of her condition, and we are grateful for that. She often does not sleep well so mornings are a difficult time for her. After an hour or two she usually joins in the scheduled activities and is generally calm. I visit at least once every day and always for an hour or two before dinner as this is by far her best time.

We have a daily routine. The first is to help her clean up and change clothes, go for a walk (outside if the weather is good), and then watch a little television. We sit at the same table with another couple where another husband visits his wife everyday too. We have become good friends.

Last month I moved closer to Edgewater, just two blocks south of the campus. I will miss the Bridgewood neighborhood and the many friends that Debbie and I have made over the last 24 years. I went to a different school in 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th grades, all different school districts spread across three states. Being in one place for so long was something I will always cherish. But the Bridgewood house was empty without Debbie and being able to walk or bike to Edgewater seemed like a good option.

The move was more work both physically and mentally than I expected it to be. So many small details and follow-ups to follow-ups. William was a great help moving. Jackson and Cassidy travelled from Kearney and with Mikki and Hunter they organized my great room. They selected new furniture, set everything up, and decorated it in two days. My 98.5-inch television (that's 7 feet by 4 feet) looks good in there!

My new tricycle has worked out great. There is already 55 miles on the odometer from just going a few blocks to Edgewater and back!

Onward and Upward! Bob

Iowa Insurance Hall of Fame

 After a long career with GuideOne / Preferred Risk and the Iowa FAIR Plan, I found out that I will be inducted into the Iowa Insurance Hall of Fame. It still seems a little surreal to me as I didn't see myself at that level. Apparently the people that nominated me, those that wrote letters of recommendation, and the board of directors that voted didn't agree. I am grateful for the honor.

I was blessed to have great bosses, mentors, and coworkers. So many of them have passed away but their influence is still with me and I do my best to pass it on to those that I influence.

Ron Wilson, Bob Conroy, Jack Martinez

My late wife, Carol, and my wife Debbie were always supportive and and encouraging. Success at any level would have been impossible without their love and support.

Ron Wilson, Dave Creighton Sr.

Russ Lettington, Syd Vanderlinden, Bob Conroy

Yesterday was Debbie's 69th birthday.

Debbie has been in Edgewater for one year now. She has adapted well to living there and it continues to be the best life possible that I can provide for her. I still visit every day. Most days I must help her with hygiene issues as she is most comfortable taking help from me. Then before dinner we walk around the building or the campus if the weather is nice. If I have FAIR Plan work that needs to be done, I open my laptop while Debbie is content sitting next to me while I work.

The Edgewater staff members are amazing. I cannot adequately describe the depth of their professionalism, their caring, and their hard work. I don't know how they give so much of themselves to care about the residents as much as they do and then must see each of them die.

Since Debbie has been there, there have been six deaths in total, with two in the last few weeks. We lost Maggie, the life of the party. Maggie told me she was there because she had dementia and then laughed and laughed. She maintained her sense of humor, making her pleasant company. About a month before her passing her awful disease went into high gear and forced her into skilled care. Debbie and I would visit her there and by this time she seldom opened her eyes. But when I held her hand and talked to her, she would occasionally squeeze my hand to let me know that she was still there. Cindy passed last weekend. She always had a smile for me and occasionally a wink to let me know she was still there. Her courage to participate in activities while her body was frail and failing was inspiring. I miss them both.

I decided to move closer to Edgewater and made an offer on a house across the street from the campus. I will get the keys to my new home on June 16th. Over 95% of everything I own has been packed for six weeks which means I probably don't really need any of it. I do plan to be very careful when it is unpacked to only keep what is needed. The next few weeks will be busy with the move and preparing the house that Debbie and I built for sale.

I appreciate your continuing thoughts and prayers along with the calls, texts, emails, Facebook posts, and lunch dates that are my life support. Debbie and I are blessed to have such a large group of friends. While Debbie may not know any of this and has lost the ability to know people’s names, she is still there inside and has a degree of awareness. A few days ago, she motioned for me to lean closer as if to whisper a secret and then she kissed my ear and said, “I love you.” She is still there!

Onward and Upward!

Calm and Happy

Here is an update on where we are on our journey. Debbie is still at Edgewater in the memory care unit called Beacon Springs. 

The last few months have been a time of loss. A longtime friend from my Preferred Risk days died, and another is now in memory care. Recently, several of the residents in Beacon Springs have died, two have moved to long-term care, and one is in the hospital. The losses continue with Debbie as she continues to lose more cognitive ability. She is starting to hallucinate. She is hearing voices and then responding to them. Her words make no sense, but then I only hear half of the conversation.

The good news is that Debbie is calm and generally happy because she feels safe. She is always clean, well-fed, and tended to by wonderful people who care about her. To the best of her ability, Debbie participates in group activities. She has many friends and family who visit. So, from that perspective, she's luckier than most people.

As I watched Debbie’s slow decline, I occasionally allowed myself to wonder how long this would go on and what it would be like when we get closer to the end. I quickly stopped that line of thought because it does no good to worry. The best thing is just to deal with it when it comes and live in the present. I have learned to enjoy little things, like a smile, holding hands, or sitting quietly together.

I am finding my life to be quite different as I have never lived alone. I was married to Carol for 28 years before she died, and Debbie and I have been married 24 years. At first, I hated living alone, then for a few months I enjoyed the solitude. But now it's back to where I don't need solitude as much as I need to be around people. I go to the office every day and often have lunch with friends. 

I leave the office at about 3:30 to head over to Edgewater. Every day I help Debbie and the other ladies move to the dining room table. I cut Debbie’s food and do the same for several others. A couple of them wait for me to cut their food before they eat. That is when I get some smiles and live in the present.

Onward and Upward!

Surviving the Holidays

Debbie's slow cognitive decline continues to be noticeable to us but not to her. Because she isn't aware of it she is calmer and less anxious.

The holidays are over, and routine has returned to Edgewater and the memory care area called Beacon Springs. The last eight weeks have been fraught with challenges for the residents and staff.

First, Beacon Springs is now full, as several new residents moved in. It is a time of adjustment for the new arrivals, their families, and the current residents. Something as simple as changing the seating arrangements at meals and the added activity in the common area can be stressful for some residents.

Second, there were many visitors, some travelling from a distance to see their loved ones. A few of the residents were taken out to dinners, family gatherings, and church services. What follows is often confusion and anxiety for the residents. Perhaps it is just the change of routine, a glimpse of their past life, or just getting tired that causes it.

Third, the regular weekday staff, of course, want to spend time with their family during the holidays. So, during the holidays many more days become a “weekend”, i.e., a day without the usual daily events and surrounded by more familiar faces.

We struggled as a family to get the right balance for Debbie between us visiting but not disrupting her new life. We have settled into a routine where I visit every day around 3:30 pm and then leave when she is served dinner and after I cut her food. That gives me time to make sure she is clean and if not help her change. Then we walk or watch TV together. It is a comfortable routine for both Debbie and me. Debbie gets one or two visits each week from family or friends, often having lunch or dinner at the Edgewater Bistro. We have never taken Debbie off the Edgewater campus, and she has never requested to leave. It is a happy place for her, and I am grateful for that.

It felt calm when I walked into Beacon Springs a few days ago. That was confirmed by Rebecca before she left for the day, but it is always a better day when Rebecca is there. Her positive energy and love for the residents is evident to all.

When it was time for dinner the process of getting the residents to the table and served their meal was done by Lilian, Lyric, and Sara. They did a superb job of getting all to the dinner tables. It was a great display of teamwork. What may seem like a simple thing like that can be very challenging as each resident has a unique and changing functioning level. Some days are a test of patience for the staff. I am always in awe of their patience.

A moment of pure joy happened when Tam was seated next to Mary Mae. Tam rarely shows emotion, usually wearing a blank stare as she walks through the halls. Mary Mae sleeps a lot and seldom interacts with others. Lilian sat next to these two women and somehow engaged them to where Tam had the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. It was a smile of pure joy. Mary Mae noticed it too as then copied the smile as well. I pointed it to Debbie and she too joined in. It reminded me that despite the cognitive impairments that they have there is always joy to be found!